British Sitcom Guide - Phoenix Nights

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PHOENIX NIGHTS

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SERIES 1 - First broadcast 2001

Opening Night

The long awaited grand re-opening of 'The Phoenix'! The club is about to have its doors opened for custom once again and it's all go in Bolton to get everything ready. Max falls through a window after mocking Paddy's lack of hair and Brian has a German Bandit delivered called 'Das Boot'. TV's own Roy Walker has even made it into town for the opening night with a racist folk band playing all the hits including 'Take Them B*ggers Back'! The electricity also ceases but 'gypsy' Ray Von is on hand to help.

'Pennine Suite, D*ckhead!" - Brian telling the delivery man where to take the 'Das Boot' Bandit.
"Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans!" - Brian on Jerry and the workman's singing abilities.
"Let's get ready to rumble!" - Spencer testing out the mic before his big gig.

First broadcast: 14th Jan 2001

Wild West Night

It's Wild West night at The Phoenix! But not through choice! The Phoenix's pool table isn't working so 'Gypsy' Brian takes it away to fix it and comes back with a Bucking Bronco! After much haggling Brian gets the Bucking Bronco on a one month free trial to see how it goes down with the Bolton locals! It goes down surprisingly well, so Brian, ever the entrepreneur, with the help of Jerry decides to stage a night dedicated to the 'Good Ol' West!

After Ray Von's first DJ gig at The Phoenix the smoke machine malfunctions and 'The Captain' is found dead due to smoke inhalation, which leads Potter to move 'The Captain' into the Pennine Suite as his death will be seen as 'natural causes' as opposed to murder.

Elsewhere in Jerry's Wild West night, Wild Bill & Trigger the Horse are in town to provide some quality western entertainment! Also line dancing and a staged gunfight are planned, which leads to a mass brawl in Bolton's number one nightspot!

"My name is Ray Von, so lets rave on!" - Ray Von at his first DJ gig in The Phoenix.
"In here's murder, next door's natural causes." - Brian after 'The Captain' is found dead.
"There is a horse in my Cabaret Suite!" - Brian in disbelief after finding Trigger in The Phoenix.

First broadcast: 21st Jan 2001

Disco Inferno

Brian & Jerry visit a fire safety day for club owners, which is being taken by convicted dog molester Keith Lard! Keith tries in vain to make everyone aware of the dangers but keeps getting dog jibes from the crowd, mostly due to Den Perry.
Lard forces 'The Phoenix' to close as it is not up to standard however Brian manages to get the club re-opened after blackmailing Lard using forged photos of him and dogs!!!

Meanwhile a psychic in town manages to offend everyone in 'The Phoenix' before getting knocked out by an unhappy punter and Brian fakes a heart attack to try and escape a speeding fine.

"Laugh or burn? Take your pick." - Keith Lard after receiving abuse by blowing a horn and making someone drop their drinks.
"Sh*t! I'm out of oxygen!" - Max when his new divers watch starts beeping.

First broadcast: 28th Jan 2001

Singles Night

Singles night at 'The Phoenix'!!

Brian accidentally runs over someone's foot in his wheelchair which leads to him thinking that he's found the love of his life, the 'gorgeous' Beverley. Brian is all smiles and giggles till he finds out that she works for the council and was only in the club to investigate Brian's false disability claims!

"You're addicted to sex!" "I know, it's an illness, Michael Douglas had it." - Paddy commenting on his fondness for Women.
"Flower for the lady?" "F*ck Off!" - Brian telling a rose seller what he thinks.
"I've got something to tell you Brian." "You're not a bloke are you?" "No" "Never used t' be?" "No." "Like Hayley?" "No, never have been." "Thank God for that!" - Brian & Bev's deep conversation.

First broadcast: 4th Feb 2001

Comedy Robot Wars

Robot Wars night at 'The Phoenix' sees Max & Paddy deciding to team up with Ray Von to see if they can scoop the prize. Meanwhile Jerry visits a hospital for cancer tests and then returns back to 'The Phoenix' to find that it is overrun with students taking the mick out of the comedians. Jerry who is already feeling down, decides to give them some of their own medicine and runs them out of the club with his witty comedy. This leads to Jerry being offered a job on a cruise ship. Where does his future lie…

"Prostitutes are rough in Amsterdam, one of em' told me to wash my old man in the sink!" "You took your Dad!?" - Paddy telling Max about his overseas visit.
"Stop stirring you tea, d*ckhead!" - Brian talking to a worrying Jerry.
"Do you take NUS?" "We don't take none of that sh*t!" - Max mistaking the meaning of NUS
"Have you ever kissed a girl?" - Brian ripping into a roboteer

First broadcast: 11th Feb 2001

Talent Trek Finals

Jerry gets the all clear from the hospital only to be told by Brian that 'The Phoenix' will be staging Talent Trek, only because Brian told the committee Jerry was dying! 'Les Alanos' are unavailable so Brian drafts in 'Right Said Frank' who turn out to be thieves who steal from cars during the intervals. This leads to a mass brawl between the tribute band and Max & Paddy!

Brian reveals fake test results that give Jerry the all clear and so Jerry decides to stay on at 'The Phoenix'. The series ends with jealous rival club owner Den Perry discarding one of his cigars into a toilet waste paper basket that causes a fire to break out...

"Get off me you girl!" - Jerry kissing Brian after finding out he's fine
"Get back you b*stard, I'll break your legs!" - Max's car alarm

First broadcast: 18th Feb 2001

Series 2 Guide Coming Soon !