SERIES 1 - First broadcast 1999

1. Welcome to Royston Vasey

And what a welcome indeed. Benjamin Denton arrives to spend the night with his hygiene-obsessed relatives, Harvey and Val, and their twin daughters, twins Chloe and Radclyffe. But that's not before he encounters Barbara, the pre-op transsexual taxi driver.

Ben is due to meet his friend Martin to go hiking. At the Local Shop, Edward and Tubbs are worried that the construction of a new road will bring strangers to Vasey. Martin's arrival seems to confirm their fears, and they decide to take action. In a homage to The Wicker Man, a Scottish police officer comes looking for Martin, but meets with a sticky end.

We meet Pauline Campbell Jones, the hard-nosed restart officer, whose role is to motivate jobseekers into finding employment. What she is meant to do and what she actually does is another thing. She spends most of her time preventing the "dole scum" from ever getting a job. Two of her jobseekers are Ross Gaines and Mickey Michaels. While Mickey cannot string a sentence together, Ross challenges Pauline at every turn.

Episode one also sees the telling of the infamous Mau Mau joke. Businessmen Geoff, Mike and Brian are in the pub. Geoff insists his friends hear the joke about the Mau Mau, but is so rubbish at telling it, he eventually resorts to pulling a gun on Brian at the punchline!

First broadcast: 11th Jan 1999

2. Road To Royston Vasey

Workmen are carrying out a survey for the new road, but worried Tubbs and Edward are determined to keep strangers away. Meanwhile Posh Judee Levinson is off to Antigua for a luxury holiday; how will her cleaner, Iris, cope with her demands?

Restart officer Pauline holds a workshop for her jobseekers. As ever, it is nothing useful - she gives them the vital skill of... how to sell the Big Issue. We also meet the demon butcher of Vasey, Hilary Briss, and are introduced not only to his fine meats, but his special stuff.

Meanwhile, Benjamin is getting concerned about his friend Martin and tries to contact him.

First broadcast: 18th Jan 1999

3. Nightmare In Royston Vasey

A construction worker makes the mistake of stumbling into Tubbs and Edward's lair, where he asks Tubbs if he can pick her brains. Tubbs is fascinated by his map of Great Britain, but horrified when she finds out that not all places are local. She screams so loudly that the workman's eardrums burst.

We are introduced to Dr Chinnery, Vasey's vet. A pensioner brings in her beloved tortoise, who is off his food. The poor thing is anaemic and Chinnery administers compressed air... to disastrous consequences. Pre-op transsexual cabbie Barbara, in the meantime, is contemplating whether to go for a C or D cup.

Benjamin is late for breakfast, and experiences a most disagreeable incident involving Aqua Vita. Put it this way... it's not mineral water!

Hilary has had a special delivery but Maurice the magistrate is not interested... or is he? And Pauline is on the war path after discovering some of the dole scum have been taking her precious pens home with them.

Back at the construction site, a horrific discovery is made which brings the new road to a complete standstill. Edward's plan has worked beautifully!

First broadcast: 25th Jan 1999

4. The Beast of Royston Vasey

Chinnery examines the beast of Royston Vasey, but can he correctly identify it? Is it anything to do with the animals missing from Roundabout Zoo?

The Legz Akimbo Theatre Company - whose motto is 'Put yourself into a child' - arrives in town to perform a play at the local school, about homosexuality aimed at 9 to 12 year olds.

At the Dentons, toad-loving Harvey displays his finest specimens, Sonny and Cher, to Benjamin. The pair will soon be entered in the Annual Croaker Parade, meaning the Toad Breeder Shield is finally within his grasp. Ben wants to get the next train home but must babysit the twins... which proves to be one of the worst experiences of his life.

Stella and Charlie Hull make one of their regular trips to Luigi's restaurant. They bicker about a holiday in Tenerife, when Stella allegedly took a man back to the hotel. Meanwhile, Edward examines his handywork at the construction site through binoculars from the moors beyond. Has it halted the new road?

First broadcast: 1st Feb 1999

5. Love Comes To Royston Vasey

It's the day of businessman Brian's wedding to Cheryl. Can Geoff, the best man, reign in his feelings of hatred for Cheryl long enough not to ruin the big day?

Sonny and Cher's funeral takes place at the Dentons, in full funeral regalia and Val playing mournful music on the cello. Benjamin, desperate to escape, calls Barbara. Unbeknown to him, Barbara is anxiously waiting for replies to a personal ad she's placed in the paper. They get their wires crossed, and Barbara thinks it's a date!

We visit Stump Hole Caverns, Royston Vasey's second finest showcase. It takes its name from a crippled prostitute. The tour guide's life is blighted by the tragic death of a child who drowned on one of his tours. It is on Mick's mind so much that the day Michael Burke and the 999 team came to film still haunts his dreams.

It is the middle of the night and Maurice is pounding down the door of Hilary's butchers shop... he is hungry and needs some special stuff. At first Hilary is reluctant to let him in, but takes pity on Maurice and takes him to the cold store. There, their associate Samuel is asleep next to the freezer, shouting "more, I want more."

First broadcast: 8th Feb 1999

6. Escape From Royston Vasey

Another stranger arrives at the Local Shop, but this time it is David, Tubbs and Edward's son. He drops a bombshell - the construction company responsible for the dreaded new road is in fact his. David wants to take his mum to London for the weekend, but his plan is foiled by Edward.

It is Barbara's special day - it's time for her operation! But not one to shirk, she is still working in the hours before. However, when she arrives at the hospital, she finds out her surgeon is Dr Chinnery.

Elsewhere it has come to the end of the restart course and Pauline has invented a new game called Shop A Scrounger. But there is a shock in store for her when Ross reveals his true identity.

Geoff is celebrating his birthday with Mike and Brian. His friends pretend they have forgotten, but their joke backfires when they hear a gun shot being fired in the toilet. Is it the end for Geoff?

And Ben escapes the Dentons and comes across Tubbs outside the Local Shop. He asks her for some food, noticing she is wearing hiking boots similar to Martin's, and follows her inside. Will he survive?

First broadcast: 15th Feb 1999