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About Guyball

The Green Wing writers playing Guyball Guyball (pronounced 'gheeball') is a sport invented by Guy during his troubled years at Whiteleaf Public School. The basic object of the game is to throw balls into a Topmiler (a wicker basket attached to a helmet). Players often also wear goggles to protect their eyes.

Beyond that, the rules become much more complicated. Depending on the version played, only one player may be wearing a topmiler, or there could be two sides in which case players wear different coloured topmilers (normally blue and green). Other variations include different bounce ubiques and stickles (normally random or orthodox). Other positions that Guyballers may find themselves in include:

- The Emmental loop, in which one has a cleft mitten showing whilst one crouches to attack one's opponent.

- The classical heist, an attack in which one is standing with one's foot on the opponent's jaw and one's topmiler is empty.

- The fat chalet, similar to the classical heist but for the latter one's topmiler is geometrically loaded, that is, contains a large six-sided die.

Other known positions include the hefty fondue, but it is not known what this move is.

Before the game begins, players splice the Matterhorn, this is where the players insult each other. However, this may have been invented on the spur of the moment by Guy when he was teaching Guyball to some children. The game begins when the official shouts "Commence".

Whilst the rules to Guyball have not yet been published, a Guyball Rule Book does exist, and can be seen being read in the "Behind the Scenes" featurette of the Special DVD.

Making A Topmiler

A guide to making your own topmiler is given in The Phenomenon documentary that is included on the bonus disc shipped with the Definitive Collection DVD Boxset.

To make an "International Standard" topmiler, take a wicker wastepaper basket, and spray-paint it brown or black. Cut a hole in the bottom of it, stick another basket into it, and sew them together. Attach an antique flying helmet to this and sew it to the baskets. Then add a pair of antique flying goggles to protect the eyes.

Recorded Games

There have been two known games of Guyball played in the real world...

The first took place at the TalkbackThames BBQ attended the actors and crew of the show (the picture on this page shows some of the writers during this game).

The second took place at the Wingin' It convention. The match was umpired by Stephen Mangan and recorded by Patrick Schulenburg for The Definitive Collection DVD. The game was a six-on-six match, played using Geneva rules and geometric skittles. The players spliced the Matterhorn by insulting Mangan. The first recorded goal was an own-goal as the players ran into their own parish. It is known that some players sustained injuries.

King's College London Rules

Currently, the only official Guyball society is at King's College London, created by Jane Macallan and Anna Jones, who claim that it has been approved by Stephen Mangan and the Green Wing writers.

The society's rules can be seen on their MySpace blog Opens in new window