 |
SERIES 3 - First broadcast 19691. The Bishop Learns The Facts The Bishop, trying to thread a needle to darn a holed sock, is bemoaning the fact he has to do repair his own clothes. Noote enters and offers to thread the needle. In the course of conversation, Noote lets slip that he has not done the laundry list for the cleaners and it's his afternoon off. He has an important engagement and won't be able to do it until the next day. The Bishop is unhappy as he only has two collars left. Noote tells him that he should do what all the other clergy are doing nowadays - wearing black cotton roll-neck pullovers with Nylon collars. The Bishop is offended - he only uses starched linen ones… He demands Noote does the laundry list but, for once, Noote defies him, going out to keep his appointment. The Bishop, left lamenting the fact that Noote did not thread his needle, is interrupted by the Dean. It's his wife's birthday on the following day, can the Bishop take in her surprise present until the Dean can pick it up. The Bishop agrees and the Dean, in return, threads his needle. While doing so, the Dean points out the advantages of married life. Embarrassed, the Bishop, having never been married, refuses to comment. The Dean, realising the Bishop has got the wrong end of the stick, says he is referring to purely domestic arrangements. We cut to tearooms in St Ogg's. The Archdeacon is taking tea. As he only has a few pastries and tea (rather than a huge order of buns, cakes, savouries and pastries) the waitress asks if he is unwell. "No," the Archdeacon replies, "I had a late lunch." The Dean sees Noote entering the tearoom with an attractive young woman. He goes over and tries to get himself introduced, but Noote is evasive, so the bewildered Archdeacon departs. Over tea with his friend, it emerges Noote and the young woman grew up together. She has been abroad and is now married, but she and her husband want a proper church wedding now they are back in the UK. Can Noote perform the ceremony? Noote agrees, but with some trepidation. Although a fully qualified clergyman, he has never actually conducted a wedding service before… However, he can always turn to his Bishop for advice… The Archdeacon arrives at the Palace, full of the news of Noote's secret meeting. He tells the Bishop that Noote is so obviously smitten he would not be surprised if the Bishop's chaplain was about to announce his engagement. The Bishop is dismissive, but later Noote arrives back in a state of excitement because his friend has asked him to marry her… Thinking Noote means to wed the girl himself, rather than just conducting the ceremony, the Bishop and the Archdeacon enquire what Noote plans to do for a honeymoon. Noote, not realising he has not made himself plain, explains there won't be a honeymoon (after all, he knows the young woman and her husband have had one already) and states baldly that as far as he is concerned, all his duties will be over when the ceremony is finished. Noote, arranging to bring the young woman to tea on the morrow, departs, leaving the Bishop and the Archdeacon in a state of helplessness as they now imagine Noote is completely innocent in the ways of the world. How are they to explain to him about what men and women "do" after marriage? The Bishop tries to persuade the Archdeacon it is his duty to explain. The Archdeacon offers to take Noote to see a Swedish film in Soho, but the Bishop rejects this idea ("Pity," mutters the Archdeacon, "I wouldn't mind seeing it.") The Archdeacon offers to buy Noote a book, but this the Bishop also rejects. In the end, the Bishop is forced to confront the fact that, inexperienced as he is in the ways of the world himself, he will have to explain it all to Noote. On the following afternoon, Noote arrives in the Bishop's study, where the Bishop and the Archdeacon are waiting. Noote's friend is ill and can't come to tea after all. Thinking this is for the best, the Bishop is about to start his lecture when the Dean arrives to pick up Grace's birthday present, a copy of a book called "The Story of The Rose". He picks up a package and departs. The Archdeacon confides to the Bishop that he has bought Noote a copy of "Lady Chatterly's Lover" (just published in the UK for the first time after a mammoth obscenity trial). "Afer all," the Archdeacon tells the Bishop, "the Bishop of Woolwich thought it very good." In desperation, the Bishop can always give Noote the book… Pooh-poohing this, the Bishop begins his lecture, starting out by asking Noote if he had even taken part in nature studies as school… "No," says Noote, "I played the piano." The Bishop then asks if he kept pets, rabbits perhaps… Noote admits he did not. Seeking desperately for inspiration, the Bishop turns to Henry for help. During the confusion, Noote tells them his friend is already pregnant, with her husband's child, and the Archdeacon thrusts the book into Noote's hands. Noote, while undoing the package, confesses a few things about the wedding ceremony are bothering him. The man stands on the left and the woman on the right, but where does the bank manager (who is giving the bride away) stand… It gradually dawns on the Bishop and Archdeacon that Noote is only conducting a ceremony for a couple already married in a register office, not actually "marrying" the girl himself. In desperation and embarrassment, they try to stop him from unwrapping the book, which turns out to be "The Story of the Rose". At this point the Dean storms back in brandishing the Archdeacon's copy of "Lady Chatterly's Lover", which he had picked up by mistake. Now realising his mistake, and not wishing to cause Noote (who's slowly working out where the Bishop's train of question was leading) or the Archdeacon further embarrassment, the Bishop confesses the book is his, over the Archdeacon's protestations. "After all, Dean, the Bishop of Woolwich thought it very good." The Dean then demands to speak to the Bishop alone, ushering out both Chaplain and Archdeacon. In the quiet comfort of the now uncomfortable Bishop's study, the Dean says he must show the Bishop something important. The Bishop, fearing a moral lecture, tries to escape, but it is too late… the Dean reveals the secret of a modern, happy life for clergyman is… a cotton roll-neck jumper and Nylon collars! The TV version of this episode no longer exists. Running gags include the Archdeacon's growing list of teatime snacks wherever he goes (tea at the tearooms is followed by tea at the Bishop's, etc) and Noote's blissful ignorance at his friends' well-meaning attempts to inform him of "the birds and the bees" which leads him into hotter and hotter water with every innocent statement he makes. In the radio version, this was the first episode in which Jonathan Cecil played Noote. TV version first broadcast: 8th Jan 1969 2. The Bishop Has A Flutter No synopsis yet. TV version first broadcast: 15th Jan 1969 3. The Bishop Is Hospitable No synopsis yet. TV version first broadcast: 22nd Jan 1969 4. The Bishop Pays A Visit The Bishop has been visiting an auction of household items at a house in the Cathedral Close where his friend Canon Pollard lives. He returns to the palace with his trophies – two silver candlesticks, which the Bishop insists are silver, and a non-descript bowl that was part of the same lot. Noote and the Archdeacon believe the sticks are pewter but, as the Bishop has paid £10 for them, he insists the sticks are silver, while the Archdeacon recalls buying them for the Canon at a market stall for a pound. Both Noote and the Archdeacon, however, have more bad news for the Bishop. The Dean has been at some of the outlying parishes, quizzing the clergy about matters that would more properly be the subject of a Bishop's visitation (a regular and official inspection of accounts and a checking of items listed on the church inventory). Annoyed, the Bishop demands that Noote calls the Dean immediately, only to find that he is standing right behind them. The Dean informs the Bishop he is a year behind with his visitation schedule. The Bishop responds that this is just "human error" on his part, to which the Dean replies there is no such thing, only "inefficiency". The Bishop's nose is put out of joint at the Dean' attitude, and he complains it is not up to him to conduct visitations. The Dean tells him that "things that are not done very often should be," the further informs the Bishop that he was only interested in asking the clergyman at Hawley, who has had a new central heating system fitted, about the size of his bore. ("About 6ft, aren't you Dean?" mutters the Archdeacon.) The Dean departs, leaving the Bishop smarting and looking for a chance to avenge himself. Noote defends the Dean, saying he runs St Ogg's Cathedral very efficiently. This annoys the Bishop still further, and he says that if he went snooping around the cathedral, he suspects he would find all kinds of inefficiencies and errors. "Why don't you, Bishop?" inquires the Dean. "What, snoop about the cathedral?" the Bishop says. "I couldn't, it's against my nature." Noote points out that, as Bishop, it is within his rights to conduct a visitation of St Ogg's, although Bishop's rarely visit their own cathedrals. Inspired, Cuthbert Heaver decides to conduct a visitation that very afternoon. The Archdeacon – much to his chagrin – is unable to accompany them because, as Noote tells him, "as a member of the Chapter, you're on the Dean's side". "That's a matter of opinion," the annoyed Henry Blunt replies. Leaving a reluctant Archdeacon to polish up the beloved candlesticks, Noote and the Bishop head over to the Chapel. The Bishop imagines having the Dean rushing around all over the place trying to round up the lost items in the inventory. "After all I've stood from that man it really will be rather pleasant," he tells Noote and Henry. The Bishop and Noote arrive at their meeting with the Dean and inform him of the reason for their visit. After overcoming his shock, the Dean offers to show Cuthbert Heaver the accounts. The Dean points out that the last visitation was in 1890. "Well, well, high time we rectified that," the Bishop murmurs in a satisfied voice. Foregoing the usual visitation rituals, the Dean offers to show the Bishop the numerous account books, starting with a book from January 1890. "Surely you want to see the accounts since the last Cathedral visitation, my Lord?" The Bishop doesn't want to go back that far, however, and demands to see the books since the Dean arrived in 1956. (As Bishop Cuthbert Heaver points out: "Oh, yes, of course, the year of Suez.") Asking the Dean to put aside the unneeded volumes of accounts, the Bishop is horrified to see only one book discarded. "When I arrived, the accounts were not kept in a such detail as I would have wished," the Dean tells the Bishop. "Well, you seem to have made up for it," the Bishop retorts. "I hope I have," the Dean responds, not noticing the sarcasm. The Bishop skips to the accounts for the previous month. "What do you think, Noote?" asks the Bishop, when finally presented with an open account book. "Very neat, isn't it?" Noote replies. The ignorance of Noote and the Bishop in accounting and bookkeeping matters is thus revealed and the Dean unconsciously runs rings around them. "I think you will agree we are keeping our heads above water," the Dean says stridently. "Speak for yourself, Dean," responds a hopelessly confused and foundering Cuthbert Heaver. The visitation drags on and on, with both Noote and Cuthbert Heaver anxious to cut it short and escape. The Bishop, however, still hopes to topple the supremely confident Dean by examining the inventory, but the latter throws the Bishop completely by going through the list of cathedral possessions in minute detail. This includes counting all the coconut mats, the door handles and trying to account for any discrepancies (such as whether there are 452, 448 or 449 Bibles) by counting and re-counting them again and again. Instead of the Dean running around trying to find everything to show the Bishop, Cuthbert Heaver finds he is running around trying to find the items on the list for Dean Lionel Pugh-Critchley. They finally discover that the Dean is unable to account for a missing portable font made of silver. The Bishop gives the Dean a piece of his mind about interfering in matters that are nothing to do with him, and, using the error as a chance to escape from any further visitation travails, he returns to the Bishop's Palace with Noote. They find the Archdeacon has polished the candlesticks with a cleaning fluid of his own invention that has discoloured the candlesticks, melted the rubber gloves he had been wearing and cleaned up the old bowl that was in the same lot, revealing it to be genuine silver. Archdeacon Henry claims to have found a hallmark, but upon deeper investigation Noote discovers this is actually the word "I R O N" written on the base. A contrite Dean arrives, but his remorse wears thin when he reveals that – although he was responsible for seeing the silver portable font had been returned – the font had been lent to the Bishop for a private christening at Canon Pollard's house in the Cathedral Close at the time of its disappearance. Noote interrupts to ask what "S O G" on the grubby bowl that came with the candlesticks means. "St Ogg's Cathedral," sighs a relieved Dean, reclaiming the portable font from Noote. It seems as if about peace is about to break out between the Bishop and the Dean when the latter admits they should put the confusion over the font down to "human error" rather than "inefficiency". However, the Dean spoils it all by insisting Noote and the Bishop continue the visitation the following day... Harmony, it seems, is still along way from descending at St Ogg's... The radio version of this last episode was the last to feature Derek Nimmo in the role of Noote. TV version first broadcast: 29th Jan 1969 5. The Bishop Takes A Holiday No synopsis yet. TV version first broadcast: 5th Feb 1969 6. The Affair At Cookham Lock No synopsis yet. TV version first broadcast: 12th Feb 1969 7. The Bishop Keeps His Diary No synopsis yet. TV version first broadcast: 19th Feb 1969 |
|
|
© 2008 British Sitcom Guide. No reproduction without permission.
Correct or add to this page.
Broadcast dates provided by Ian Beard. Page author: Adam Jezard
|
|
ALL GAS AND GAITERS
