SERIES 2 - First broadcast 1967

1. The Dean Goes Primitive

The Dean preaches a sermon on the primitive church, and how the cathedral has become too cosy and comfortable. The Bishop, whose throne is hidden behind curtains, sleeps through the sermon. Coming to the Palace after the service, the Dean tells the Bishop he intends to restore the cathedral to its "primitive" roots, taking away the comfortable throne and curtains and a screen hiding a large stone that was once used as the throne; he is also going to take away the pews for the congregation to they will concentrate on the sermons.

The Bishop forces Noote and the Archdeacon to search in the cathedral library to find a get-out clause. In a book on pagan fertility rites the Archdeacon finds that the stone to be used as a throne used to be utilised for sexual practices. They try to persuade the Dean that once the history of the stone is revealed, the public will be put-off from attending services. The Dean promises the sight of the stone won't offend the congregation as it will be covered up. On Sunday, the Bishop finds it is covered - he is sitting on it. However, after the service both the Bishop and the Dean are admitted to hospital suffering from stiff necks. The screen around the stone and the curtains around the Bishop's throne prevented powerful crosswinds in the chancel. The Dean promises to restore the cathedral as it was, and put in curtains and double-glazing, and drops his plans for a return to the "primitive" church.

TV version first broadcast: 24th Nov 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 16th Feb 1971 (series 1, episode 7)

2. The Bishop Gives A Party

The Bishop, drinking Alka-Seltzer, is trying to compose a thank-you letter to the Dean and Mrs Pugh-Critchley for the party they threw the previous night - this despite the fact his dyspepsia was caused by the Mrs Pugh-Critchley's cream puffs (which weighed on his stomach as if "mixed with cement dust"). The Archdeacon, who "enjoyed" a similarly rotten evening arrives to commiserate with the Bishop, Noote having escaped the party thanks to his weekly attendance at Sea Scouts.

The Bishop's chief complaint is that they spent the evening playing silly children's games and he ended up playing "Sweethearts" with the unlovely Miss Chaffer, who took a fancy to the Bishop and stuck to him like glue all night.

Noote berates them for their uncharitable attitude and, when the Dean arrives, he demands that they thank him properly for the party. They do so, grudgingly, and the Dean then invites them back for a repeat performance - his sister having just arrived from Australia. The Bishop tries to get out of the party by saying that he has a sudden engagement, but Noote, failing to take the hint, denies all knowledge of it, so the Bishop is forced to accept. The Archdeacon also claims a previous meeting, but Noote tells him it has just been cancelled, so he is forced to accept also. When the Dean asks Noote to attend, he declines, as it is Boy Scouts night!

The Bishop and the Archdeacon reluctantly arrive at the Deanery, only to find most of the other guests have ducked out with the flimsiest of excuses. They also find - to the disgust of the Bishop - Miss Chaffer is there. However, their initial unhappiness turns to delight when the find the Dean's sister, Hilary, is a delightful and pretty companion. Although she instantly strikes up a rapport with the Archdeacon - she is an ex-prison governor and he was prison chaplain at Parkhurst - the Bishop manages to fix things so that she spends most of the evening with him, while the Archdeacon has to make do with Miss Chaffer for company during "Sweethearts".

The following morning Noote is ready with the Alka-Seltzer and sympathy for the Bishop's stomach following more of Mrs Pugh-Critchley's cream puffs. However, the Bishop tells him that such criticisms of her food are unchristian. Clearly, Hilary Pugh-Critchley's company makes up for an awful lot...

The Bishop arranges to hold a party that night, inviting everyone except the Archdeacon, whom he sees as his rival for Hilary's affections. As the evening comes, the guests arrive, but so does the Archdeacon. The Bishop protests his oldest friend is not invited, to which the Archdeacon replies that he is just waiting for Hilary, whom he invited out to dinner to discuss prison reform before the Bishop could get his party invitation in to her. Annoyed, the Bishop is on the verge of cancelling the party, but Mrs Pugh-Critchley assures him she has invited a delightful woman to keep him company for the evening. Thanking her profusely, the Bishop turns to greet his new guest and finds himself face-to-face with... Miss Elspeth Chaffer!

TV version first broadcast: 1st Dec 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 2nd March 1971 (series 1, episode 9)

3. The Bishop Gets A Letter

The Archbishop sends the Bishop a letter inquiring about the poor clergy in the diocese. The Bishop claims he and the Archdeacon have eliminated all such poverty in the parishes under his jurisdiction. He challenges Noote to point to any parish, boasting he will be able to tell his Chaplain everything about it. Noote points at the parish of Stagmarsh, which the Bishop has never even heard of and the Archbishop has only attempted to visit once. (The Archdeacon could not get through as the roads were flooded.) The stipend of the parish is very small, so in order to establish how poor the perpetual curate of Stagmarsh is, he, Noote and the Archdeacon decide to take some gifts to the poor clergyman (they will tell him the clothes are for the jumble sale, so as not to embarrass him).

Noote takes some new trousers, a suit and his winter overcoat. The Bishop takes a patched shirt, while the Archdeacon is taking a pair of jeans his aunt gave him for Christmas. ("I can't possibly wear them. They're not tight enough!") It is a beautiful summer's afternoon, and the triumvirate set off in the Archdeacon's car for the rural parish, but the car ends up underwater on the country road - the flooding is tidal, not seasonal as the Archdeacon had thought. They are rescued by a farm-worker, who offers to get some strawberry pickers from the Stagmarch Vicarage to help push the car out later. The threesome, dressed in borrowed pig farmer's clothes, turn up at the vicarage, where they are mistaken for poor would-be strawberry pickers by the perpetual curate. When he is informed of whom they are, the curate apologises, though he insists on opening a window because of the smell from their clothes. He tells them he is doing quite well as the soil around the vicarage is very fertile and he makes a good living selling strawberries to the Ritz in Paris and the Dorchester in London.

Calling his butler, the perpetual curate tells him to boil the offering of clothes and prepare them for the jumble sale. The curate also keeps a good wine cellar and a Rolls-Royce, and earns so much he even has to pay surtax. Already having agreed between them to decline the offer of any hospitality, so as not to further embarrass the poor curate, Noote refuses the offer of smoke salmon, potted duck and strawberries and cream, despite the protests of the others. They return to the Palace of St Ogg's in the curate's Rolls, and their supper of scrambled eggs and cocoa. Unfortunately Noote drops the eggs when he trips over a basket the curate's butler left in the doorway. Opening this they find smoked salmon, potted duck, strawberries and champagne, prompting the Bishop to recall the proverb; "Blessed is he who considereth the poor."

TV version first broadcast: 8th Dec 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 23rd Feb 1971 (series 1, episode 8)

4. The Bishop Goes To Town

Noote annoys the Bishop by reading Sunday's papers three days later and talking about the stories as if they were current. The Bishop is further annoyed that the editor of the St Ogg's Gazette has not reported a speech of his on the front page of the latest edition while the Dean's is printed in full inside. Looking at a picture on the front of the paper, Noote comments how trim the Dean looks, while wondering whom the fat man almost cut out of the picture is: the "fat man" is the Bishop. Worse, an editorial flagged as being about a "churchman of distinction" says that the Dean has certainly left his mark on the diocese and doesn't mention even Bishop Cuthbert Heaver. Noote, still flipping through the Sunday paper, points out an advert he thinks will interest the Bishop.

The Bishop, reading an advert for an Adonis Body Belt, is about to get upset when Noote points to a London auction-house advertisement next to it: the sermons of Bishop Gurdon, a 14th century notable at St Ogg's, are being auctioned in the afternoon by the millionaire eccentric who currently owns them. If the Bishop could purchase them he could donate them to St Ogg's Cathedral, so ensuring his memory was preserved via a brass plaque telling of the gift. The Bishop, agreeing to the plan, arranges to go to town immediately with Noote to purchase the sermons. They ask the Archdeacon to perform the Bishop's duties for the afternoon, much to the Archdeacon's annoyance as he had prior plans.

On the way to town by train, the Bishop and Noote encounter the Dean, who is also on his way to town to make a special purchase in the same street as the Bishop. Thinking he is also on his way to secretly purchase the sermons and so ensure ever-lasting fame in the cathedral's annals, the Bishop incorrectly advises the Dean to take the bus to Bond Street rather than the newly opened Victoria Line. He and Noote, meanwhile, take the Tube and arrive just in time for their lot to come up - only to find it has been withdrawn from the sale at the last moment.

Fuming, the Bishop and Noote reboard the train for St Oggs, only to find the Dean onboard with a heavily wrapped package. While the Dean is out of the carriage, the Bishop, thinking the package contains the sermons, forces Noote to break the 8th commandment "Thou Shalt Not Steal" by breaking into it. To their surprise they find an Adonis Body Belt. Re-wrapping the package, they arrive at St Ogg's only to be greeted by the Archdeacon, who is picking up a package from the train. This turns out to be the sermons, which the Archdeacon persuaded Bryce Parkinson, the eccentric owner, to donate to the cathedral, where they will sit beside the remains of Bishop Gurdon. He telephoned Parkinson, whom he knew, when he was unable to go up to town personally because he had to fulfil the Bishop's duties. The Archdeacon chastens the Bishop with the thought that: "Some people are so vain they will do anything to get their name on a plaque, won't they Bishop?" The Bishop ruefully tells the Archdeacon he's not vain enough to wear an Adonis Body Belt.

TV version first broadcast: 15th Dec 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 9th March 1971 (series 1, episode 10)

5. Give A Dog A Bad Name

Preparing for bed, the Dean and Mrs Pugh-Critchley overhear Noote apparently whispering sweet nothings to a young woman in the old stable behind the Deanery. Looking through a gap in the wall, they catch a rear view of Noote apparently caressing a longhaired young woman... In reality, Noote is looking after his aunt's Afghan hound while the old lady holidays in Canada for four weeks, which we learn over breakfast the next morning by the Bishop commenting he wouldn't let an Afghan like Noote's Aunt's in the house as he'd been bitten by one as a child. Still, the Bishop says: "If I know your aunt, she'll have found some willing dim-wit to look after her [the dog] ..." Noote sadly agrees, and so we discover that he is looking after the hound against the Bishop's express orders.

The Archdeacon calls, and is joined by the Dean, who coolly asks to speak to the Bishop on an important matter. Noote goes to make a phone call and the Dean complains that Noote has been wooing a young woman in the old stables and should be punished. They confront Noote with this accusation, but he denies everything, so the Bishop and the Archdeacon send the Dean away to reflect on his misjudgement. The Dean goes back to his wife, and admits he thinks Noote innocent, despite the evidence of his own eyes. Noote, meanwhile, has called a vet to come and see the hound, who is off her food.

Later, as the Dean and Mrs Pugh-Critchley pass the stables, they hear Noote conversing with a young woman. This time the Bishop and Archdeacon also overhear the conversation. Sending the Dean and his wife away, the Bishop and Archdeacon enter into the stables where they find Noote and a young woman. During the ensuing conversation, the Bishop and the Archdeacon come to believe that Noote has been sheltering the young woman in the stables because Noote has made her pregnant.
However, it turns out that it is the Afghan hound, hidden from the Bishop, that is pregnant and that the young woman in a newly qualified vet. The Archbishop and the Bishop agree the dog should be transferred to the Bishop's Palace as she is really very friendly and sit down to give her some comforting cuddles. Noote hurries off after the vet in an attempt to ask her out, and the Dean and his wife peer around the corner to see what is going on... and catch a rear view of the Bishop and the Archdeacon apparently caressing a longhaired young woman...

TV version first broadcast: 22nd Dec 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 16th March 1971 (series 1, episode 11)

6. The Bishop Gives A Shove

The Bishop, Noote and the Archdeacon are busily engaged in a raking in the proceeds of their newest fund-raising scheme - a football-pools type sweep that raises £50 (or £49.95, as Note insists) in its first week, 10 per cent of the amount needed to finish building the old people's home. The winner of the sweep will get a £10 prize.

The Bishop takes time to read aloud a letter that congratulates him on a scheme that was evidently his own idea - which annoys the Archdeacon, as actually the idea was his.

They are rudely interrupted by the Dean, who complains the sweep is gambling (a ticket was sold to his wife). He is not impressed by the amount they have raised either, saying they should return all the money to the people who sent it in.

After a highly amusing dual, in which the Dean and the Bishop trade biblical quotes from the psalms praising care of the elderly (on he bishop's part) and decrying gambling (on the Dean's), the Dean storms out.

Congratulating him on his victory, the Archdeacon and Noote tell the Bishop he can't give in to the Dean. The Bishop, however, disagrees. After 10 years, he is tired of all the in-fighting that has been going on between the Dean and himself. He recalls how happy he was when his old bishop, hearing a bishopric had become vacant, went personally to the Prime Minister's Religious Appointments Secretary to suggest him (sic) for the post of Bishop of St Ogg's... The Bishop is distracted by Noote asking why his old bishop should do such a thing. "Perhaps because he thought I'd make a very good bishop," the Bishop snaps back.

This gives Noote an idea. Why don't they go to Mr Dobson, the Prime Minister's Religious Appointments Secretary, and recommend the Dean as bishop for the newly created Diocese of Chelsea. The Bishop hesitates, wondering what on earth he can say that won't hurt the Dean's chances. Noote points out that the Dean is at least efficient...

Taken with this idea, the Bishop and Noote board the train for London, leaving the disgruntled Archdeacon, who fancied an afternoon in town, to send back all the money, cheques and postal orders that people have sent in for the football sweep ("After all, Henry, as you keep saying, it was your idea," the Bishop tells him).

On Arriving at 10 Downing Street, they apparently hear the PM (at this time, Conservative Ted Heath, a noted bandleader and musician) practising on the piano (very badly) in another room. Noote, imagining they are listening to Mr Heath, demands quiet and is hugely disappointed when it turns out to be a piano-tuner.

Mr Dobson, when he arrives, imagines that they have come to complain about the Dean. ("Most bishops do, I had a couple here this morning.") He is amazed when they say they want to propose the Dean for the Chelsea bishopric. "You're the first bishop I've ever met who gets on with his dean," Mr Dobson tells him. Mr Dobson asks what special qualities the Dean would bring to the job, but the two clergymen can at first only keep repeating that he is "efficient" in different tones of voice. Eventually Noote, warming to the theme, overdoes things by telling Mr Dobson the Dean and the Bishop are "Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one".

There is one problem with the possible appointment of the Dean as a bishop. What are his politics? The PM is very particular not to appoint too many from the same political grouping, whatever his own views. The Bishop, taking this as a cue that they are looking for a Socialist, claims the Dean is left-wing, over Noote's protestations. So sad, Mr Dobson tells them, he was looking for a Conservative this time around. "Still, there is one consolation," Mr Dobson tells the Bishop. "What's that?" The Bishop asks. "You won't be losing your Dean," Mr Dobson says happily.

Frustrated, the Bishop and Noote head back to St Ogg's the next day. They find the Archdeacon ready to ship back all the money for football sweep. They also find a letter from Mr Dobson, offering the Bishop the appointment in Chelsea. The Bishop, seeing this as his chance to escape the Dean, says he will accept it, after promising to take the Archdeacon and Noote with him. The Dean interrupts with important news: he too has been offered a position in Chelsea - in the deanery. Mrs Pugh-Critchley is so anxious to live a town life that he has decided to accept.

The Bishop, the Archdeacon and Noote all try to persuade the Dean otherwise, the Bishop, in desperation, asking Noote to quote the same lines as he had used to Mr Dobson: "Two souls with but a single thought, etc". Flattered his colleagues think so much of him that they don't want him to leave, the Dean departs to draft his acceptance letter.

The Archdeacon, Noote and the Bishop hatch a new plan: they will stay in St Ogg's and let the Dean go to Chelsea, and keep the football sweep money to fund the old people's home. They sit down to write a tongue-in-cheek rejection letter to Mr Dobson...

After the letter is finished, Noote dashes off to the post-box to send it. The Archdeacon also asks Noote to pick up a copy of the evening paper so they can check the football results and see who has won the sweep. On the way Noote passes the Dean, who also asks him to post a letter.

In the palace, the Dean finds the Bishop and Archdeacon unpacking the football sweep replies. The Dean tells them that, on consideration of what Noote had said earlier ("Two hearts that beat as one..."), and not realising he had been thought of so highly by his colleagues, he has decided to reject the post in Chelsea. Noote returns and tells the happy Dean (and the now distraught Bishop) he has posted both their letters. The Dean then extracts a promise from the Bishop that, in return for the Dean's sacrifice in giving up Chelsea, the Bishop will give up the football sweep idea for all time. Resignedly, the Bishop agrees. The Dean then dashes off to his wife (whom, due to all the confusion, "has developed one of her heads...").

The Bishop blames Noote's poetic persuasion for the Dean's change of heart. He also laments the loss of the sweep money and wonders where the cash for the old people's home will come from now. The Archdeacon, however, is more interested in the evening's football results. The Bishop and Noote think he has gone mad when he starts saying he has won the pools - after all, they had agreed to send the sweep money back. But the Archdeacon tells them he has won the real pools. They have enough cash to finish the old people's home after all...

This is a particularly delightful episode with which to finish the second season and has more than its fair share of witty one-liners and drole running gags. Highlights include: Noote's insistence they only have "£49.95 pence" every time the Bishop says they have £50; the truly wonderful psalm-quoting battle between the Bishop and the Dean; the Bishop and Noote trying to persuade Mr Dobson that Pugh-Critchley is "efficient"; and the Archdeacon trying to argue that Mrs Pugh-Critchley is "a country girl through and through" while persuading the Dean into staying at St Ogg's. Sadly, this is one of the "missing" TV episodes, although the radio version can still be tracked down.

TV version first broadcast: 29th Dec 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 23rd March 1971 (series 1, episode 12)