The Bishop Rides Again

This episode was originally part of the BBC Comedy Playhouse series and entitled "The Bishop Rides Again".

A local medievalist and philanthropist leaves St Ogg's Cathedral a large sum to restore the crumbling buildings - but with a catch. The Bishop and Noote must dress up in monks garb and go around the district giving white stockings to young virgins, in memory of an historic incident involving the great Ogg himself. Only when they have given out 40 pairs of stockings will the cash be given to them, and then only if they achieve their target by sundown. However, the Bishop and Noote have great difficulty in finding any young maidens, and after several comic misinterpretations as to what exactly it is they are trying to do, the pair are saved by a visiting group of would-be nuns to whom they can give the stockings.

TV version first broadcast: 31st Jan 1967 (episode still survives)
Radio version first broadcast: 5th Jan 1971 (series 1, episode 1)

1. The Bishop Gets The Sack

All is excitement in the Palace at St Ogg's. A television crew has decided to make a documentary about the Cathedral. Bishop Heaver, meaning to cash in on the free publicity, places a large order with a souvenir provider for colour postcards, key rings and other such goods. There is one stumbling block: who will present the documentary? Noote, trying to give some Relaxer-Cat tablets to his pet puss Samson for his nerves, recommends the Dean, who wrote the St Ogg's Guidebook. The Bishop pooh-poohs this suggestion, saying the telephone book is more interesting than the Dean's guide.

The day of the documentary dawns, and the Bishop, struggling to recall his lines, is swiftly forced to give up the role of presenter because he is totally useless. (A production assistant assures Noote the producer is so good at firing people, the Bishop will never even know he has been "sacked".) Next up is the Dean, who is just passing and who happens to be carrying a copy of the guidebook with him. One short take is enough to convince the producer to "sack" the Dean as well; he spends his time on screen extolling the virtues of the new litterbins in the Cathedral Close (designed by the Dean's wife!). The producer is all for giving up on the shoot entirely when the Archdeacon suddenly reappears unexpectedly after ending a prison visit early (the person he had gone to see had escaped!). Assuring the producer that the Archdeacon will be fully prepared by the next morning, Noote and the Bishop rehearse and rehearse Henry so hard during the night that by morning his voice has failed him.

Desperate to salvage some hopes of getting a return for his souvenir investment, the Bishop allows Noote to have a chance at presenting the programme, but only after the Archdeacon has given him two Aspirin tablets. It is only after Noote has left to start recording the TV show that the Bishop realises the Archdeacon has given his Chaplain two Relaxer-Cat tablets instead of Aspirin tablets. The Bishop and Archdeacon rush out to warn Noote – only to find that the recording is going brilliantly. Some days later, while watching the completed programme and congratulating themselves on how good a job Noote has done, they discover the reason for Samson the cat's nervousness. "He" is actually a "she" and has just given birth. [In the TV version, the harassed producer is played by "Dad's Army" veteran John Le Mesurier].

TV version first broadcast: 31st Jan 1967 (episode still survives)
Radio version first broadcast: 14th Aug 1972 (series 2, episode 4)

2. The Bishop Meets A Bird

Noote writes an article for the St Ogg's Gazette, recalling a little known cathedral statute which says that any passing travellers may stop at the Bishop's residence for as long as they wish. Unfortunately, a passing salesman named Mr Bird (played by guest star Peter Jones) decides to take advantage of the offer as a convention has filled the town's hotels. The Dean informs the Bishop he has no choice but to give up his own room to the salesman. When Bird invites a group of drinkers from a pub back for a party, the Bishop also finds he is in breach of a local ordinance forbidding noise in the cathedral close at night. Finally, Bird leaves as the accommodation and catering is not up to the standard he expects.

TV version first broadcast: 7th Feb 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 19th Jan 1971 (series 1, episode 3)

3. The Bishop Writes A Sermon

The Bishop has to pen a sermon for his school founders' day celebrations. He bitterly recalls the previous year's excursion, when he lost his sermon on the way to his school, and he blames Noote for mislaying it. Noote and the Archdeacon are preparing for a mummers play, and making costumes from old scraps of paper; the Archdeacon has even been taking down the Dean's notices in Cathedral Close, which is against local bylaws. The Bishop reluctantly admits his old head teacher will be at the founders' day event.

The headmaster once accused the Bishop of cheating in an exam because he found some notes hidden in the Bishop's hat. The Bishop does not know how they got there. The Bishop then sets about trying to choose a text to form the subject of his new sermon. In the end the Bishop loses his new sermon, which the Archdeacon has taken away by mistake to turn into a costume for the mummers play. Noote lends the Bishop a sermon but on his way out of the palace the Bishop misplaces it. The Archdeacon realises that the Bishop has placed Noote's old sermon in his new top hat without realising what he was doing. Finally the Bishop's sermon for the previous year is discovered in his old top hat, and the Bishop is able to go with his original sermon as well as an explanation for his old headmaster of how the notes came to be in his hat on exam day.

TV version first broadcast: 14th Feb 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 12th Jan 1971 (series 1, episode 2)

4. The Bishop Sees A Ghost

The residents of Cathedral Close are up in arms following various sightings of a ghost. Mrs Pugh-Critchley has been a victim, although she takes issue with the cathedral history and states the ghost was dressed like a verger. Refusing the Dean's request for an exorcism, the Bishop reluctantly decides to spend the night in the cathedral to prove there is no ghost. Accompanied by Noote, they wait for the ghost to appear, but are scared out of their wits by the Archdeacon, coming to assist them. After various comic misunderstandings involving ghost traps, they fall asleep to be awakened by a verger on his rounds as dawn breaks. Realising it is this verger that has been mistaken for a ghost, the three heroes head off for warm baths and a hearty breakfast... only to miss the verger disappearing through the wall behind them.

(Note: The scripted scenes involving the verger are different in the radio series. The radio programme gives the Ghost more dialogue which is slightly more amusing, although it misses the spookiness of the verger's appearance and disappearance.)

TV version first broadcast: 21st Feb 1967 (episode still survives)
Radio version first broadcast: 2nd Feb 1971 (series 1, episode 5)

5. The Bishop Turns To Crime

The Bishop is having a summer clear out. Among the things being thrown out is a picture of the Dean, presented to the Bishop by the Dean himself and inscribed with the text: "Faith is the gate and narrow the path." A local antique dealer is coming to take the lot away. The Bishop, mistakenly thinking he is to be paid by the removal man (LV Stickles, played by "Carry On..." film regular Kenneth Conner) for his bric-a-brac, bargains up the price from £2 to five guineas – only to find that he has to pay the removal man.

The Dean arrives to find the Bishop's house in chaos. The Dean is going away to prevent one of his nieces from marrying, and, as his wife is going with him, he is reluctantly calling on the Bishop to make sure his precious fly-eating plant does not get too cold and die. While leaving the Bishop with a key to his house, the Dean's coat, hat and briefcase are removed by the removal man's dim-witted assistant. The Dean is desperate to catch his train, and they manage to get the his coat back (although the Bishop had said everything in the hall should be taken). The Dean departs, and it is only later the Bishop and Noote realise that the key to the Deanery is missing. Believing Mr Stickles has taken the key along with the other things, they go to his home where, for 10 guineas, he reluctantly agrees to sell all the bric-a-brac back to the Bishop – the only way he'll do any more business with these increasingly awkward customers. However, there is a catch: it is Saturday and his dim-witted assistant has gone off with the key to the shop, so they will have to wait until Monday until they can take the bric-a-brac away, by which time the fly-eating plant will be dead. Angrily, the Bishop storms off, but the Archdeacon persuades him to visit a former inmate at a prison where he was once the chaplain who might be able to help.

The former inmate (British comic regular Sam Kydd) has reformed, however. He is willing to help only by giving the Bishop his now unwanted burglary tools. After unsuccessfully trying to break into the deanery without causing any damage, the unlucky trio break a window – only to be confronted by the Dean, returned early from wrecking his niece's marriage. As Noote, the Bishop and the Archdeacon attempt to find some sort of story to explain how they lost the key, the Archdeacon spots it on the ground… it has fallen out of Noote's pocket, where it had got tangled up with the chaplain's handkerchief. Convincing the Dean the key had fallen out of his own pocket, they leave the Dean to save his precious plant, while the Bishop recalls the Dean's favourite text: "Faith is the gate and narrow the path." Running jokes include the state of Noote's handkerchief (which has to last him until Monday), which is made increasingly dirty by everyone he lends it to and which Mr Stickles says is too dirty to take away as rubbish; the Archdeacon deliberately smashing the Dean's photo so the Bishop can throw it away with a clear conscience; Noote thinking the Archdeacon had been a prison inmate when he was merely the chaplain.

TV version first broadcast: 28th Feb 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 26th Jan 1971 (series 1, episode 4)

6. Only Three Can Play

This is one of the most popularly remembered episodes of this sitcom. The plot concerns a regular Thursday-night game between the Bishop, the Archdeacon and Noote. The railway game requires an intimate knowledge of all the timetable information of trains in the British Isles. When the Dean interrupts their game one evening, the Bishop states that only three people can play. The Dean promises to rewrite the rules so more players can take part.

Meanwhile, Noote is sent out to argue with a young woman driver who has broken a parking ban in the Close at the Dean's behest, allowing the Dean to take Noote's turn. Instead of enforcing the ban, Noote is wooed by the young woman,, who takes him to see "The Sound of Music" at the local cinema. The next week, after a series of dates with the young woman, Noote is again going to the cinema to see "The Sound of Music", so missing the Thursday-night game, much to the Bishop's annoyance. The Dean arrives with his version of the game, and the Bishop storms over to the other side of the close to get Noote back. Her mother, however, opens the door to her house and the Bishop too finds himself being invited to see the musical. Initially he refuses, afraid of leaving the Archdeacon in the Dean's hands, but the arrival on the scene of the young woman's attractive grandmother means all three clergymen foil the Dean's plans to rewrite the game by going on a triple date to see the film.

TV version first broadcast: 7th March 1967
Radio version first broadcast: 9th Feb 1971 (series 1, episode 6)