SERIES 6 - First broadcast 2000

1. The Executioner's Song

Patrick has checked into laughter therapy but the therapist doesn't believe his full testimony of horror. Back at Victor's, a 50” T.V. has been delivered by mistake (instead of a 15”) and a policeman explains there have been noise complaints; Patrick peeps round the corner to see the policeman picking his dog's bone out of the soil and assumes the worst.

Patrick's own dog has lost its voice after having seen Victor naked, and Pippa is feeling stressed because she's looking for a suitable birthday present for him. Margaret invites Patrick and Pippa out for a meal, but Patrick refuses because of fear and resentment. Although, it's a good job that he did, as Victor accidentally discovers a secret brothel and ends up being sexually molested by the prostitutes there; and Pippa accidentally, it seems, has an affair.

Victor thinks he's found the perfect birthday present for modern-art lover Patrick in what he thinks is a discarded painting; unfortunately it's the floor of the artist's bird-house, covered in bird-droppings. Pippa has bought Patrick another sausage-dog as her birthday present to him. In typical disaster, Patrick falls down the stairs when throwing the “painting” away and lands on his new pet.

"I think Victor's got a little surprise for you - upstairs -" (Margaret announcing Patrick's birthday present to him: a very surprising "painting"!)

First broadcast: 16th October 2000

2. Tales Of Terror

Jean's cousin Wilfred is coming to stay with her but Victor isn't looking forward to it because of the typos he keeps making on his voice synthesiser. Jean invites the pair of them to Wilfred's birthday party but Margaret says they both need to attend a funeral in London, when she's actually spending the day sunbathing. Wilfred gets travel-sick on the way back and Jean lets herself in to tend to him; Margaret has to hide in the under-stairs cupboard until they leave... but when she does, Victor comes in and plays with Wilfred's synthesiser so she hides in the cupboard for a few more hours, to her anger.

Victor has also been rude to the builders who were meant to be creating a garden wall, so they brick up his bedroom door; he needs to go to the loo, so Nick chirpily brings a hose-pipe to assist. Victor sees the doctor because of an irritable bowel, and, detecting blood in his stool (from Mrs. Warboys' black pudding), fears the worst. He has an investigative colonoscopy and, drowsy from anaesthetic, climbs into the wrong car which is towed away. Amongst the excitement, Victor is awarded the star role in Nick's community pantomime!

"He asked me to put some hot mustard on his rhubarb" (Victor explains one of the outcomes of Cousin Wilfred's bad typing)

Some more voice synthesiser mistakes:
"It was so nice to see my brothel [brother] again after all these years"
"I am just going to go to the lavoraty [lavatory]"
"Could someone get me a bra of soup [bar of soap]"
"I think I would like a glars [glass] of water"

First broadcast: 23rd October 2000

3. The Futility of the Fly

A play is being performed about Victor! We find out his cleaner (who wears very few clothes much to the jealousy of Margaret) has been so inspired by the weird and wonderful events in his life that she's written a play. The director doesn't know of Victor, and can be quickly forgiven for not believing it.

Jean suffers much misfortune in this episode, which begins with her accidentally being sat on by Victor in the bath, when both heard Margaret offer a bath (to Victor). She then finds a finger in her chips from Victor's local Chippy. The chip shop owner thanks Victor for returning his finger and then asks his advice about an affair he's struggling with. He writes a letter to an Agony Aunt. Jean reads the letter which is in Victor's handwriting and thinks he's in love with her! She misunderstands everything he says and does for the rest of the day, but her troubles don't end until she accidentally has a tattoo done of her dental x-ray! She returns later in the day to a power-cut in the house, and thinks that Victor is molesting her; she stuffs a courgette in the doorframe... wonder what she thought it was...!

"I don't know what planet this guy's off but it's certainly not earth" (The critic of the cleaner's film finds Victor's life unbelievable)

First broadcast: 30th October 2000

4. Threatening Weather

There's been a power-cut in the area on the hottest day of the year so the Meldrews have been left in total darkness and unbearable heat. This gives Victor the perfect opportunity to have an extended whinging session about many issues of the current time, such as self-assembly furniture, someone stubbing out a cigarette on his cap, and a dinner party they're going to host the next evening. He's dreading this because of the various prosthetic body parts of his relatives, which keep on dropping off!

To try and cool down, Victor sprays himself but doesn't realise until it's too late, that it's hair lacquer. And a fly irritates his ear. Margaret is trying to cope with the whole situation by reading her book but she can't do this for very long because Victor interrupts her with yet more torrential anger, and by revealing the plot to her. There's a brief moment of excitement for both of them when the power resumes but then disappears again, seconds later.

An elderly, loud, incontinent neighbour drops by unannounced because his wife has had to go to hospital, and so Victor and Margaret have to look after him. Their night of misery continues!

"I suppose we'll be up with him all night, potty-training Mr. Creosote! That's all we needed!" (Victor is lacking hospitality skills this evening!)

First broadcast: 6th November 2000

5. The Dawn Of Man

Victor has gone fishing and sees a man throwing rubbish into the river. He's enraged by this and so follows him to the pub where he distracts him so he can tip maggots into the offender's food.

Patrick's homosexual brother has been staying with him and Pippa, who's been driven mad by the whole experience of having the pair of twins living in the house. Victor is sent to hire The Full Monty but accidentally asks for "anything stronger"; whilst he's referring to a carrier bag, the man at the corner shop thinks he's referring to the video! Margaret watches it in horror and assumes it fell out of Pippa's handbag and belongs to Patrick's twin.

After a fight with some garage door installers, Patrick decides to relax with a bottle of wine; unfortunately, he sits on the cork and when removed by Pippa, leaves him with a bit of a limp. Victor passes him in the street and thinks it's Patrick's twin, so gives him the porn film! Later on, Victor meets his new next-door neighbour, the man whose food he spoiled, and, despite wearing a fake beard, is spotted and the new neighbour creatively and violently punishes Victor.

"If by 'one of our top service engineers' you're referring to the young child with a hair full of glue who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on top of a ladder, presumably in an attempt to make his testicles drop, I was not impressed." (Patrick is complaining to the garage engineer)

First broadcast: 13th November 2000

6. Things Aren't Simple Anymore

Margaret is on the phone because someone is trying to prosecute Victor for G.B.H. with a hypodermic needle: Victor inserted it into a backside that was being exposed from a car window. Oh, and Victor is now dead.

Margaret had commissioned a painting of her and Victor as a precious memory of their marriage but when delivered, Victor is horribly misrepresented. To support her in the continuing madness is her new friend, Glynis, whose husband also recently died. They both exist within surreal existences, which they begin to share. Glynis has a hollowed-out tortoise shell as a random coffee table present.

Meanwhile, Victor's last days on earth were also bizarre. A misprint in the local paper causes a host of pilgrims to gather at the house to pray to Virgin Mary, giving thanks for miracles achieved around a tattered picture of her. Victor then goes to a work reunion, although he's the only one who manages to make it; despite this, he's treated to personal (and dreadful) cabaret!

The chilling end to the tale is that it was Glynis who killed Victor. Despite it being a hit-and-run accident, Margaret is furious. How many paracetamol tablets does she dissolve in Glynis' fruit juice?

"Two small TEARS!" (Margaret meant the picture had fabric wear; the pilgrims thought it cries)

First broadcast: 20th November 2000