SERIES 1 - First broadcast 1990

1. Alive and Buried

Victor goes to work to discover that he's been made redundant, and has been replaced by an automated box which can do all the things he used to except moan about the air conditioning. On top of this, he doesn't yet have any leaving presents even after decades of loyal service. On the walk home he passes many reminders of old age, which depresses him, so Margaret tries to encourage him to make good, positive use of all the free time he has but he ends up moping about the house, and beginning his grumpy crusade against the world which will last for the next six series and many specials!

Victor receives a visit from a chirpy Nick (before he's his next-door neighbour) who, to Victor's offence, cheerfully invites him to some of his care in the community elderly people events, which Victor finds both tedious and insulting. At Margaret's suggestion, Victor practices some of his conjuring tricks on Jean, with his desired effect of terrorising her. He accidentally gets arrested for kerb-crawling when he asks for help with his broken-down car but is fined for contempt of court when he throws the Bible at the judge. Welcome to retirement!

"There we are, look; we're just passing the park... ooh, look, aren't the geraniums nice? Shall we stop and have a look at them? Oh, look at that lady's hat: that's a nice one, isn't it? I wonder where she got that. Very smart on her." (Nick's patronising tone as he takes the elderly people on a trip)

First broadcast: 4th January 1990

2. The Big Sleep

The window-cleaner is distressed because she claims that Victor had indecently exposed himself to her when she was cleaning the windows; he was drying himself but she says she's going to report him to the police. The police arrive, but they're off-duty officers doing their Jehovah's Witness duty, and Victor reacts rudely to them before throwing them out.

Margaret tells Victor the news of all of his relatives who are dying as of late, which depresses him, so she takes him to an exercise class for the elderly. Ironically, the fitness instructor suddenly dies of a heart attack, whilst another becomes stuck in a yoga position and faints, so he and Margaret are left dealing with these (but this goes horribly wrong when they leave the dead woman with a make-up artist!). He goes to his cousin's secular funeral which depresses him further, and a detailed reading of the medical dictionary makes him even more worried about his health. He falls asleep in the back garden but wakes up in thick fog, and assumes he's dead; he knocks himself out on a garden rake and rouses in hospital where he starts to attack a patient who he thinks is God.

"Of course I was handling my private parts: I was drying them with a flannel. What do you expect me to do? Drape them across the bathroom radiator for half an hour?" (Victor justifies himself to the window-cleaner)

First broadcast: 11th January 1990

3. The Valley of Fear

Victor and Margaret return from hospital where he's been treated for a mugging from a couple of the local yobs when he tried taking up photography, and awakes the next day to Margaret and Jean discussing how quickly he wears out his underpants. Randomly, a (frozen!) cat is found in the freezer. One of Margaret's friends drops by to collect some jumble, but is accidentally shut into the loft by Victor. She bangs on the roof to try and attract attention, but he confuses this with the noise the heating system made earlier and after shouting at the water pipes, leaves her locked in the house all day; she's extremely distressed and dusty when Margaret realises what's happened and lets her out.

Later on, Victor draws together a meeting of the neighbourhood watch (where he has an argument with Margaret and the group just ends up watching Emmerdale Farm) and encourages the elderly residents to carry a false weapon with them as a deterrent. But Jean finds herself a hand-grenade which she activates and Victor throws away, ducks for cover, and has local youths try to conduct C.P.R. upon him but he thinks he's being attacked and beats them up.

"You should never try to sniff a live wasp, Mr. Meldrew: it's a well-known fact!"(Jean's advice irritates Victor!)

First broadcast: 18th January 1990

4. I'll Retire To Bedlam

Victor awakes cheerfully! It doesn't last long, as he and Margaret become stuck in the garden shed surrounded by a huge swarm of killer-bees. Victor's niece, Iris, calls by to ask if Victor can baby sit her children, and Margaret says that she'll wait until he's in a good mood before asking. Naturally, this rare event never happens, but Margaret agrees that he'll mind the children anyway. Victor goes to the optician and is left there with his eyes shut and full of eye drops all day long. The cleaner, eventually, attends to him as she does her after-hours work.

Stroppy from the experience, he returns to find a giant bee in the toilet: it's the Monster Raving Loony Party candidate in fancy-dress, who then leaves the house in quite a shaky state! Margaret invites her friend Iris' children over, and after suffering torture from them they get on Victor's nerves so he ties them up in the garage! Whilst waiting to have injuries attended to at Casualty sustained by a mental patient shaving his stomach before supposedly having his appendix out, he shouts support of the Monster Raving Loony Party to the local Conservative candidate after ranting at him.

"Nurse, do I have to wait here much longer? Stuck here with the Mr. Magoo appreciation society!"(Victor is in a bad mood at the eye clinic)

First broadcast: 25th January 1990

5. The Eternal Quadrangle

Victor has begun an art evening class and is quite annoyed when people keep on misunderstanding what he's drawn: he is trying very hard to be good at it but is continually faced with criticism from the teacher or confusion from his critics! He gives the nude model he's drawn a lift back to her house and this, coupled with the necessarily explicit drawing he did, makes Margaret frightfully jealous. This is only inflamed when she discovers an empty condom packet in his jacket pocket, which Victor had cleared away from the garden after having a rant about the rubbish strewn into it each day.

Victor is offered some part-time work by the woman he drew, cleaning the house but he ends up working in competition with her elderly father who becomes jealous of Victor. Margaret's male friend is taking quite a fancy to her and, misunderstanding her platonic affections, jumps into bed waiting for her and wearing very little indeed, but is discovered by an angry Victor! This coming on top of the telephone repair man falling asleep in his bed earlier (whom he woke by hitting him with an inflatable banana) is too much for Victor to take.

"You see, if I'd wanted a pencil sketch of some heraldic beast suffering from various congenital deformities, I'd have brought one in, d'you see what I'm saying, and got it to pose on the couch."(Victor's art teacher is very critical of his work)

First broadcast: 1st February 1990

6. The Return of the Speckeled Band

Victor and Margaret are about to go on holiday to Athens; Victor is very nervous about flying and his nerves are merely aggravated both by practical jokes being played on him by the neighbours, and Jean expounding the problems of the good city they'll visit. Thankfully Jean can't talk for very long, though, as she's ill with food poisoning, which is made worse when she accidentally drinks carpet shampoo thinking that it's fizzy indigestion remedy; she's rushed into hospital!

Victor is given a hat from Jean that he can't shift no matter how hard he tries: people keep on returning it from various rubbish sources, and he tries to act pleased. The rubbish man also gives Victor some alligator eggs, which are accidentally cooked and given to Jean for breakfast. The electricity man calls by to read the meter, is disturbed by the strange contents in the downstairs cupboard, and annoyed when his shoes are collected by Oxfam. When taking a man round the garden centre, a large snake escapes from its tank and makes its way into Victor's luggage. Margaret wonders why the suitcase is as heavy as it is when they prepare themselves to set off on holiday!

"Do you know there's a headless teddy-bear in here on an exercise bike?"(The electricity man is worried by the contents of Victor's cupboard)

First broadcast: 8th February 1990