"I'm Head of Geography here, sort of the big internal gun."

Bill is Head of Geography at Holy Saints School and married to Sheila, an uneasy coupling generally characterised by needless bickering.

Bill means well but is hapless - which, coupled with an inflated sense of his own importance, leads him to appear foolish on more than a few occasions. He is a Guardian reader and a keen tambourinist.

"And it's our anniversary. I've run out of things to say."

Sheila is Bill Taddler's long-suffering wife. Despite priding himself on being a left-wing feminist, Bill privately considers Sheila his intellectual inferior.

Sheila is well aware of this but she has so little respect for Bill's opinion that it does not actually bother her.

Bill and Sheila have no children, and consequently, Sheila dotes on Tyke, their Jack Russell.

"It's a wonderful feeling being Olympic Champion. I just can't describe it."

Carol Gomez is a natural diva, a trait not necessarily in accord with her job as an optician. Her real passion is her rich fantasy life, role-playing behind closed curtains with her 'close friend', Denise.

Carol always takes the best roles for herself (the Queen, Kelly Holmes etc) leaving poor Denise with bit-parts (Prince Phillip, Olympic Official etc).

Carol is single – her fantasy life has left no room for romance, at least, not in the traditional form.

"I'm just on me lunch hour. So to win an Oscar is fantastic."

Denise is married to Bob and she has two teenage children. She works at the library, where she is popular.

Her lot in life is leavened by her relationship with Carol Gomez, whom she views as an exotic and powerful figure.

Occasionally, Denise will become annoyed that she is never allowed the best role in their fantasies but never enough to threaten the relationship. Something keeps her coming back.

"After the divorce I wanted to poke out people's eyes."

Sue is the Senior Scale Two at the Library. She is divorced and channels her hurt into being a library zealot, a quality that catches the eye of her manager, Geoff Torville.

Sue is capable, but thrives rather too much on drama and crisis - if a situation can be stirred up, she can rarely resist the temptation.

Her elevation to a Scale Two and increasingly erotic relationship with Geoff have further emphasised this aspect of her character.

"Started out as a floor-walker right after he failed his A-Levels. Before you knew it, the kid was running the joint."

Geoff is the man in charge at Horton-le-Hole library; to him, this is akin to heading up a multi-national conglomerate.

His self-image is almost wholly derived from film-noir heroes, so his dialogue is best described as Chandler-esque with a Middlesborough accent.

He deports himself like the romantic lead in his own life story, a trait which renders his burgeoning flirtation with Sue all the more seductive to them both.

"See you'd 'ave been better off with a probation like me. I diven't 'ave to de stuff. I just 'ave to not de stuff. Why, to me that makes more sense."

Eenie Thompson is a 73-year-old dwarf. She is a pyromaniac who has been convicted of aggravated arson seven times.

She is an itinerant fortune teller and Tarot reader, in regular touch with the spirit world and a devoted mother to her son, Norman.

"Look at our Sabre. It's like I've brayed him with a stick he's that good."

Norman is the 46-year-old son of Eenie Thompson and owner of Sabre the pitbull.

Norman has never worked and is currently on community service doing the breakfasts at Jean's Guest House.

He has a lucrative line in helping out the North-East mafia, headed up by the shadowy Big Pete, 'selling on' and sabotaging local greyhound races by gassing the dogs with cherryade.

His girlfriend is Doreen-next-door, but she can't accept his dogs.